Monthly Featured Article (July 2018)

Introduction and Chapter 1: What Are Boundaries? <
Chapter 3: Developing Healthy Boundaries >

Out of Bounds: How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Chapter 2: Boundary Conflicts

by Susie J. Briscoe

Personal boundary conflicts may arise with new situations in your life that you haven’t been exposed to before. For example, if you marry a person who has children, conflicts may arise if his or her children don’t respect the boundaries you’ve set for yourself.

Or, you may find yourself in a work situation where you’re being taken advantage of and getting none of the credit for the time and effort you’re expending. It’s times like these when boundaries become very important for you to rethink and develop.

Boundary conflicts can occur in all areas of your life – work, family, spouse, and friends. This chapter will deal with some of the most common conflicts involving boundaries and how you can cope with them effectively.

Setting Work Boundaries

Fear of losing your job is often a factor in how you view your personal work boundaries. Many people deal with work conflicts poorly by harbouring resentment and anger. This leads to real problems in job performance and how you view your job.

Some typical work conflicts include:

Being excluded from important decisions or meetings. This broken boundary involves respect for your rightful position in the work place. When your co-workers are ignoring your role in making decisions or attending important meetings, it’s critical that you face the problem head-on.

First, analyse the problem to be better able to focus on why you may be excluded. Perhaps there’s a breakdown in communication. Approach the problem calmly and quickly with those who are in charge of communicating a schedule to you.
A co-worker gossips about another co-worker. It’s important that you set a boundary quickly and be very clear about not wanting to participate in whatever drama is happening in the office.

Be polite, but firm, and if the problem continues it may have to be a problem resolved by management. But, it’s important that you first attempt to squash the issue right away – with the co-worker involved.
Your boss makes an unreasonable work request. First, make sure that you understand the request. Sometimes a clarification will make the request sound much more reasonable than the first response. Whatever you do, don’t respond by whining and complaining.

If it’s determined that the request is unreasonable, respond with something that your boss can relate to, such as “If I concentrate on this project, we’ll have to push the current one to the back burner.” That will open a discussion between you and your boss and you can solve the problem.

Your first reaction to a work boundary being crossed should not be one of panic but thinking of ways to negotiate the problem effectively. You may also prepare yourself for work-related boundary violations by thinking ahead as to what your plan of action will be.

If situations keep arising at work that keeps you anxious and if your co-workers and boss keep violating your boundaries, it may be time to look for another job or career path.

Setting Family Boundaries

Tips for Building and Preserving Your Boundaries Family interaction can be touchy and difficult to solve because there may be so many other family members involved.

Family members may pry into your private life or ask personal questions which they think they’re entitled to know the answer to.

Boundary battles are common in most families and everyone has his or her own opinions about boundary lines. When you encounter pushy or probing family members who are crossing the lines of what you feel is appropriate, it’s important that you shut down the situation fast.

Here are some situations which may arise with family members crossing your personal boundaries and the best way to react:

Asking personal questions. Questions such as “When are you going to get married?” or “How much money do you make?” may clearly be off limits to you. The family member may have no intention of crossing your personal boundaries – but, he or she did – and the problem should be addressed before hard feelings arise.

First, begin with a positive response rather than immediately launching into a tirade about the inappropriate question that crossed your boundary line. A simple and clear statement such as, “I appreciate your concern – but I prefer to keep that information to myself” is polite, but firm. Then, don’t engage in a conversation about it. Be firm.
Dropping by your home or office unannounced. The first couple of times, you might enjoy having your mother-in-law drop by your home and offer to babysit while you have some time to yourself. Eventually, it could become a problem.

Establish a boundary with the person who is dropping by unannounced by stating clearly and firmly that you prefer a phone call or text before they stop by. Be sure and reiterate that your relationship with the person is very important. Don’t over-explain and give them a chance to read too much in to it.
A family member asks for too much of your time. There are several ways this boundary can be breached. If you have a parent who is ill, you may need to revamp your schedule so that you won’t feel guilty about not being able to take him or her to doctors’ appointments and care for other needs.

If a family member is asking too much of your time just to be able to gain more personal time for themselves, you’ve got to learn to stand up and say “No.” You don’t need to make up excuses. Simply say “No.”

Setting Spousal or Relationship Boundaries

It’s so important to a marriage or committed relationship that you set up realistic boundaries at the very beginning and that they’re perfectly clear to the other person. You or your spouse may have had other relationships where boundaries were different than your expectations, so it’s important to be clear.

Below are some instances where a relationship may cross your personal boundaries and hurt your feelings or lower your self-esteem:

Your spouse has to know where you are at all times. Trust is an important element in a healthy relationship. When you’re being constantly monitored and controlled in your every movement by another person, it becomes irritating and downgrading.

As individuals in a relationship, you should both be able to move freely without being harassed about where you were and what you were doing. If trust isn’t present because of a previous incident which destroyed trust in the relationship, counseling may be in order. Speak to your spouse about your feelings and try to work it out calmly by setting times to communicate with each other.
You feel taken for granted. This occurs many times in a relationship – especially when there are children and a home to care for. Unless the work to maintain the home and take care of the children is evenly divided, one or the other in the relationship may feel taken for granted.

Talk to your spouse and clearly define your role and your expectations of him or her in the relationship. Because of job or career schedules, it may not always be possible to divide ordinary chores evenly, but some semblance of agreement must be reached. Perhaps hiring help to clean the house or taking one day per week as your own will help even out the chores.
Feeling neglected in a relationship. Neglect may be a result of not understanding the other person’s work load or how he or she expresses love in a relationship. The book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, identifies that those in love relationships communicate in a variety of “love languages” including time, affirmation, gifts, physical touch, and acts of service.

When one or the other feels neglected in a relationship, the communication factor needs to be discussed and each needs to fully understand how the other feels special and loved. Open communication is essential with these types of problems.

Setting Friends’ Boundaries

Relationships between friends must have emotional and physical boundaries like any other type of relationship. Most times, relationships with friends have boundaries which naturally form when more time is spent together. You realize that there are certain boundaries which must be met if the friendship is to continue.

There are times when even very close friendships may need some lines of communication opened. Here are some instances which may occur in a friendship which needs some “boundary” communication:

Verbal or physical abuse. This type of boundary overstep is non-negotiable and must be addressed immediately. There may be some issues which your friend is going through that’s causing the aggressiveness –and, as a friend, you should speak up about it.

In setting your verbal and physical boundaries with your friend, it’s important that you be very clear and present the ultimatum that you cannot continue the friendship if the abuse continues. Be prepared to end the friendship.
Gossiping behind your back about confidences you’ve shared. This situation involves lack of respect and breaking the trust you shared as friends. As with all conflicts involving boundary issues, it’s important that you address the problem immediately.

Calmly state what you’ve heard and ask if that information is true. Never engage in a fight – neither verbally nor physically. If it’s determined that the information is true, you have a choice to accept an apology and go on with the friendship or to end it.
Your friend bombards you with phone calls in the evening when you’re attempting to relax. Most phones now have “caller I.D.” so it’s easy to know who’s calling. Let your friend’s phone calls transfer to voicemail and get back to him or her when you can.

The friend is likely going to ask why you didn’t answer the calls. Be honest and state that your evenings are spent exclusively with family – or you just like to veg out in the evenings alone. Tell her when you have time to chat, you’ll call her back.

Boundaries are set in relationships with families, spouses, friends, and work so that each of the persons will feel comfortable. The boundaries don’t have to be rigid – or too loose – but you should feel absolutely safe and relaxed so that you can always be yourself.

Main Points of Chapter 2: Boundary Conflicts

Any relationship is bound to experience conflicts. It’s the way you communicate to solve the conflicts which can make a difference in the way the relationship continues – or not.

Conflicts may occur with co-workers, bosses, family and friends, spouse, and committed relationships and may cause stress or end a relationship if communication isn’t handled in a certain way. The way you communicate your boundaries to others depends on the nature of the relationship.

Feeling taken advantage of in a relationship is a common issue when boundaries aren’t understood.
Issues with co-workers and your boss must be addressed immediately and in the proper way. If not resolved, it may be time to look for another job or career path.
When a family member takes advantage of your time with demands and causes interruptions at work, he or she must be taken aside to discuss why this isn’t acceptable and find another means to communicate and get together.
Spousal jealousy is a boundary issue which can cause a marriage or relationship break-up. This problem should be addressed if you begin to feel like you’re being stalked or that your every move is questioned.
Any type of physical or verbal abuse is a non-negotiable boundary. Your self-esteem is at risk if you stay in a relationship in which this boundary is crossed.

Setting boundaries with friends, co-workers, spouses, and family members can involve sensitive issues. Rather than dealing with the issues by getting angry and lashing out, seek help in solving the problems in a way which feelings aren’t hurt and more boundaries aren’t crossed.

Don’t forget to share with me what you discovered during this month and let me know if I may share it within this newsletter next month.